Sustaining Healthy Growth In Relationships

Sustaining Healthy Growth In Relationships | Maui Vision Magazine - Dec-Jan '09

Of any quality or state of being, integrity is the most essential in long-term relationships. Without it, the soil of the relationship is unable to sustain healthy growth and renewed life after seasons of challenge. However, once the ground has been tilled and fed nutrients, the ability to grow a rich, fulfilling, long-lasting relationship is virtually guaranteed. The problem is that the one basic element - the foundation of integrity - is something that might not sound as exciting as terms like "manifestation," "co-creation," etc.

And it doesn't provide the compulsive drama of a good argument filled with blame and finger pointing! It is, however, vital to relationships and spiritual growth. This one thing is self-responsibility. In truth, self-responsibility is a very fresh approach. What could be more exciting than stepping out of an old cycle and seeing it through new eyes? What's more enlivening than finding liberation from our emotional habits?

Relationship patterns often express themselves as withdrawing, arguing or submitting. Our dramas unfold and here we are, back at square one. We may have reached great spiritual heights and become intuitive, loving, high minded people. We may even base our whole identity on being "spiritual," and yet, where does all of that go when we suddenly find ourselves in blame, judgment and colluding in negativity?

These very human reactions can exist in tandem with a very loving, spiritual nature. It's not something to judge ourselves over, but to be aware of, love ourselves through and use to further our spiritual growth. We have both humanity and divinity. The more we bridge the two, the more integrated and harmonious we can become.

How do we do this? By honestly and compassionately looking at how we contribute to the disharmony. Outwardly, it may appear that the other is fully to blame. We say, "I'm innocent. I was just minding my business and..." It is much more comfortable to be a justified victim than the guilty one. How much time have we spent proving our innocent victimhood in any given situation? This impulse fuels the divide in our relationships.

Instead, we can unplug from this divisive reaction and use the situation for introspective growth. There must be two people to argue or create rifts. Both take part, either subtly or overtly. When we hold ourselves accountable, drawing our attention inward and refraining from blame, we can eventually become self-contained. When we learn to embody love instead of separation, we can become whole.

When we reach an impasse with a friend or mate, we can start by gently asking ourselves:

1. How am I inviting this kind of insult into my life?
2. What did I do that was not respectful?
3. How is this situation mirroring how I treat myself and, especially, what I believe about myself?
4. And finally, what form of love do I need to give myself for healing?

Relationship patterns dissolve with our humble inspection and healing attention. When both partners get to the bottom of their own contributions, truth can be found. This creates more room for love, respect and honoring of self and other. And this results in relationship integrity